I recently received a birth announcement that one of my bff’s from school had given birth to her 4th child. Finally, her and her husband had gotten the girl they wanted.
They named her Evenflow.
Me: I got the birth announcement. Congrats on the baby! Umm, can I ask you a question though?
Me: WTH did you name her after a Pearl Jam song?
BFF: We did NOT name her after a Pearl Jam song! A lot of thought when into this name.
Me: Before or after you partook of the ganja?
BFF: Shut up! Evenflow is a great name.
Me: Sure, if you want to guarantee your kid will be miserable and teased for the next 80 years of their life. WTH were you and X thinking?
BFF: Are you serious?
Me: Yes. Even-flow? That’s asking for tampon product/period teasing right there. I can hear it now. “Oh Evenflow-does Kotex help you with that?”
BFF: Just because you were an evil shit in school…
Me: You should be thankful I was an evil shit in school. At least little Evie will have someone to call when she comes home from school, sobbing from a fresh assault. I can prepare her for the worst to come-cause it will.
BFF: Well, I suppose this means you aren’t coming to the christening.
Me: Hell yea I’m coming. Someone has to object when the priest announces her birth name.
Me: By the way, I didn’t see a middle name. Did you at least give her a suitable middle name so we can call her that and forget your obviously, “we were stoned when we named our kid" first name?
Me: Oh for the love of Christ.
You know, lately I have heard a lot of couples naming their kids unusual names. Take the Beckhams. Harper Seven? Or Nicole Richie and Joel Madden child- Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Jermaine Jackson named his Jermajesty. Big surprise there. Some more crazy but true names; Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Kal-El Copola, and Audio Science.
I see these crazy names I have to wonder if any of these people think BEYOND the kid’s first year. Because some of the names I’m seeing pretty much guarantee their kid is going to be beat up every single day of their lives, starting in the first grade. And seriously, how embarrassing for your child.
“Hi, my name is Audio Science. My parents hate me and I’m saving up money so I can change it when I turn 18.”
So please parents, before you succumb to the dream of naming your child something fanciful and unique in your eyes, think of the children. You won’t have to live with it but your kids will.