Wednesday, March 31, 2010

WTH Wednesday

After heading into the city yesterday, on the first day of Spring Break, I realized that there are some things your child REALLY needs to learn before you let them out on their own. - Teach your child how to pump gas. So I don't have to watch them staring at the gas pump, looking lost and wailing,"Insert what... where?" - Teach your child how to drive a stick. Seriously. Better they learn from you then me. Because I'm only going to teach them after they have stalled 5o times on a hill that I can't pass on and already late for a hair appt that I sold my kid to get. And I won't be nice like you - Teach your child some fashion sense. So they aren't running around FL in a non fitting bathing suit with arse and boobs hanging out barely covered by see thru mesh. I don't want to see it. My kids don't want to see it. Some guys may want to see it but only for about 5 minutes and preferably wrapped around a pole dancing to Madonna's-Like A Virgin. - Teach your child some patience. Yes, I know it's all you can bong for $1 at the Oceandeck but sighing, sucking your teeth, & bumping against me isn't going to make the line go faster. But it will ignite my inner ugliness and trust DON'T want that. - Teach your child a proper greeting. "YO BITCH-OVER HERE" at the top of their lungs 2 inches from my ear in Applebee's doesn't quite cut it. -Teach your child that cleanliness is next to godliness. So that I am not standing there gagging because of the overwhelming stench of old beer, sweat, throw up, and polo cologne wafting over me from your kid. -Teach your child to perform bodily functions in private. I know it's shocking...but I really don't want to watch your kid pee belch,throw up, pick their noses, scratch their privates, or adjust anything. -Teach your child not to settle. Because nothing says, "YUCK "more then a young woman hanging on the arm of a leather looking toupee wearing speedo bottom hanging out 60 plus yr old man who keeps patting her arse as she calls him, "Daddy." -Teach your child about music. That loud bass pounding window rattling music may sound good to you but the rest of the world doesn't want to hear how all woman are "biotches to be slapped" at 50,0000 decibels. -Teach your child they can always go home. Because it's time they left here and went home.


Smokinhotbooks said...

I inserted hubs everywhere you had child so I'm good to go. Although he does know how to pump gas *clicks check* the patience thingy we need to work with him on that.

Gigi's Consignment Closet said...

Smokinhotbooks-I don't judge. But I'd really like to see a pic of your hubs in see thru mesh pole dancing to Like A Virgin.