Friday, July 22, 2011

Well since you asked…I’m done

I have lived in Florida for almost 11 years. In that time, I have had my occasional  run ins with the abundant cornucopia of wild life that also calls FL their home.

I have suffered through the spiders. Didn’t I let the banana spider live above my air conditioner? The one that was as big as my head? The one who’s beady eyes followed me every time I walked outside-sizing me up as a possible holiday dinner for her and her 3,000 kids?

I have stayed quiet during the cannibalistic toads, bugs that look like science experiments, wild pigs rooting up my flower beds, snakes falling out of trees and landing in front of me, screaming birds that sound like crying babies, possums in my shed, alligators in my pond, and bears in my yard. I have accepted this and haven’t said a damn word.

No more.

I’m done.

I can take one critter a day…but when animals attack all ion one day…I’m ready to move.

Yesterday my day started at 6:30 am when T comes into bedroom yelling, “Bear…Bear…Outside…Bear!!!” Since my pet pig Josie was attacked by a bear a few week ago, I freaked, grabbed rifle, and boogied outside.

There I saw one of the freaking BIGGEST bears I had ever seen walking out of my neighbor’s house. Luckily, they are on vacation but still-the bear was IN THE FREAKING HOUSE!! So we are yelling at tell, telling him to scat and he does. i don;t even want to discuss damage bear did to neighbors house. Let’s just say bears aren’t built for indoor living.

Skip forward to 2:00 pm. I have been working outside and decided to come in and take a shower. So I;m there, minding my own business when out of the corner of my eye I see 3…THREE…of the biggest jumping spiders I have ever seen. I swear, they were the size of my hand. Covered in soap, I scream and dive for shower door. At the same time, the spiders jump. One lands on me, we tussle, spider gets smashed. Other 2 decide to make a run for it so here I am nekkid and dripping soap and water-chasing the other 2 spiders with oven cleaner and a fly swatter.

It’s now 6pm. I am heading out to chicken pen to collect eggs. My chickens lay late so I wait till evening to collect. I walk in, looking around and when I’m right in front of nests I here, “hisssssssss”. I look up and BAM!! a 6 ft long chicken snake. Eating my chicken eggs and raising it’s head to strike at me. I run screaming from pen and tell T to get his, “*&*^%$#%^& arse out there and kill that ^^%$#&*^*&%** snake .”

He grabs his .22 and proceeds to shoot snake and the lawnmower.  Then, he tells me one down-one to go. What? T tells me that Mr. creepy snake guy has a mate around here and we’ll have to wait till she emerges to get rid of her.

So three different critter connections in one day.

I’m officially done.


A Buckeye Girl Reads said...

Bears, spiders and snakes in one day?? I can no longer complain about the mild wildlife that come up to my parents house from the woods. I don't know how you do it!

Tori said...

I was a mess last night. lol I told T that I couldn't take it anymore.

Ally said...

OMG Tori! Anyone would think you'd given up with civilisation and moved to god knows where! Instead of just Florida!
However, I have to say you go girl "..grabbed rifle, and boogied outside" I think that takes a lot of guts whereas I would have stayed inside and let the bloke handle it!

Julie said...

OMG. Seriously...OMG! I would have moved right then and there. I freak out over an earwig in my house or a strange cat in my yard. But a BEAR and a SNAKE? And GIANT SPIDERS inside my house? No way. No freakin' way!

Anonymous said...

Tori your misery sure makes for good stories.

And you know, this is Florida. Crazy shit happens here. (I laughed when I read he shot the snake the lawnmower)

Tori said...

Ally-I never handled a gun till we moved here. Now I can load and shoot with the best of them. Most of time I let T handle it though.

Julie-I'm thinking of buying a haz-mat suit or living in a huge bubble from now on.

Lily-Glad I entertain you. LOL Yes, he shot snake and the bullet went through pen into our garden shed hitting lawn mower. Lawn mower is ok though.

Pamela {Spaz} said...

HOLY SHIT, TORI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tori said...

Pam-That's exactly what I said. LOL

BookaholicCat said...

OMG Tori! I was never that "lucky" while I lived in FL. If that had happened to me I would have run for...mmm don't know where but for sure some place different.
Many hugs!

Tori said...

BookaholicCat-I'm glad. LOL I swear this state is trying to kill me.