Well, since you asked…things we’d like to say to our kids but probably shouldn’t

Sponge Bob looks like a weenie. Can’t we take down that stupid poster and put up something cool-like this velvet Elvis?

Well, I sign your father’s name to all the holiday cards so people don’t know realize what an insensitive clod I married.


Yes, the Dentist is scary as hell.

Okay, the hamster wasn’t playing freeze tag when we found him this morning.

Loud farts are hilarious.

Sometimes I do have a favorite child and some days it’s not even a child who lives in this house.

 I know I told you spitting was nasty but that kid was seriously asking for it. *high five*

I know your teacher told you everyone is equal, but your actually the funniest, smartest, most beautiful child in your class. In the whole school. Hell, in the whole wide world. (Actually, I do tell my child this) :)

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