Well since you asked…I’m outta here

I am leaving Smexy Books. Yes, the time has come for me to go out on my own. Frankly, I cannot deal with the sexual harassment anymore. I have acquired an attorney for representation but he has informed me I cannot sue someone for not allowing me to harass them.

Mandi has also become completely unreasonable to my requests. I don’t think asking for cute little cherubs to rub my back while I’m reading isn’t too much to ask…do you? Also, her insistence that I love Starbucks is over the top and borders on cruelty.

The final straw came with her barrage of  naughty naked manly part pictures. I can tolerate many things but as a good God fearing wife, the constant parade of naked men is an affront…an AFFRONT I TELL YOU…to my virgin eyes.

So, if anyone needs a good, wholesome, non starbucks drinking, virgin eyeball, sexual harassing reviewer…please contact me at itaprilfoolsdaystupid@gmail.com with a list of your credit card numbers numbers, last 5 sexual partners, which #BDB bro you love, and how much bacon your willing to send me per book I review.

 

Thank you

Well Since You Asked….Yes, I Do Love Bacon

Do I love bacon?

Does a bear crap in the woods?

I am a bacon fanatic. Anything bacon has a place in my home and heart. In trolling the net I have found even more bacon delights to feed my addiction:

1. Bacon Maple Lattes: Available at San Francisco's Pirate Cat Radio Cafe, this delectable carnivore delight  is a double espresso latte spiked with organic maple syrup and Prather Ranch bacon, sprinkled with Bac-Os.

2. Bacon-Flavored Water: "Bacon Delight" gives you the benefits of hydration along with a meaty after-taste. When it comes to drinking bacon, I prefer the Bacon Vodka myself.

3. Bacon Jam: When I think of jam,  strawberry, grape and if I’m feeling frisky , boysenberry comes to mind. But the idea of bacon jam never entered my mind… until now. How do you make it? Fry up some bacon, add a bunch of spices and pulse the combo in a food processor until it becomes spreadable.

4. Maple Bacon Morning Coffee: As a coffee fanatic, I can’t think of anything that would go better with my Bacon Jam on toast then some Maple Bacon Coffee.

5. Bacon Maple Lollipops: Sure to satisfy that sweet salty craving we all get at 3am. Whatever-don’t lie. Your know you get it too. Made by Absinthe Lollipops, you have a choice of $10 for 4, $24 for 12, and $52 for 36.

6. Bacon Gumballs: Yes, this may be going overboard with the “bacon” thing, but who can blame me? Bacon is a powerful force and I am but a disciple doing my part to spread the gospel.

7. Bacon Lip Balm: This is for “true” connoisseurs only.  Now you too can have soft luscious pork smelling lips. I recommend staying away from dogs and cats though. You may get more “sugar” then you bargained for.

8. Bacon Wallet: Put some hip into your hip pocket with a whimsical Bacon Wallet! Great for bringing home the bacon. :)

9. Bacon Bandages: Forget Superman or Hello Kitty-treat your minor cuts, scrapes and scratches with the incredible healing power of bacon And if a fancy bandage isn't enough to dry up your tears, you get a FREE PRIZE in the tin container they are packaged in. SQUEEE!!!

 

Last but not least….

 

10. Bacon Floss: Recommended by 9 out of 10 Dentists, Now you can improve your dental hygiene while enjoying the amazing flavor of crispy fried bacon. Is there anything bacon can’t improve? I think not!